Flatline Dramatics

The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
"Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light."
-Shel Silverein

damn: where to begin!

rach said I had plotted when I asked our previous lawyer about how the timeline for divorce works: leaning towards the options of signing the papers and simply holding onto them as there was a time in my recollection when we didn't know exactly what we wanted to do; it was more a "wait and see" situation... granted, divorce was always the mutually suggested headline...
Killing me softly
but of this same accord, on friday rach called [technically I called her first about the car insurance], anywho, she asked if i could get cressa some formula. I told her I had an appt. at two, so "within a couple of hours after that"... thinking sometime between 2-4... I call her at 2:30 and say hey, I'm going to be over in about 20 minutes..."oh, we're not there; could you come by later?" honestly: and she says i try to make things difficult.

->Addendum<-
Today she calls to ask if I can take Cressa from Monday-Tuesday (I assume so she can go on a vacation with andy)... As it happened to be the beginning of my work week, and my suspicions were convicted I declined; to which she replied "well do you think your mom could?" -for I don't know how long, rach has felt that when my mom takes care of cressa, cressa comes back hard to manage: a point we can find agreement upon; but rach has RAILED on my for this, saying that I don't spend time with cressa, etc- and now she asks if my mom can take her; so that her and andy can have a "vacation"? DAMN. I end the converstaion with "Rach. Listen: NO." and hang up: she replies that I don't need to be so rude and that she was just trying to let me know when I could take Cressa next: always at her convenience.

Rude? She once said that she loved me. She tells me I have control issues, the list goes on... I know my issues, and i've been working to resolve with professionals for quite sometime. She is her father's daughter though: which is a whole other novel. I LOVE HER, I UNDERSTAND HER...and I always will.

a message about respect: it is hard enough that she does what she does with who she does it with, as nick said though 'she's trying to move on'. observed, but allow others to do so as well, or something like that...

concerning the insurance; yesterday she said that she expected me to pay the bills since we were married... being since january; where at other times she has used the opposite arguement (that we aren't married) to justify her actions...


there is so much more to go through, but it doesn't matter, too preoccupied with proof, when i haven't got shit to prove, just keep the body movin', y'all this future's made of virtual insanity, cumbustible panic attacks soon seen as average, slip under the surface and seem to vanish gorgeous i know you never understood the language, but the fact it's an unconscious semantic, gotta dissect the soul... heart mind and goal before you'll ever know... 'til then three cheers to tears fears and the gears that keep us movin' through the confusion, past this broken home; babydoll it's all an illusion, energy convoluted and classified by neurotic human beings, shootin' for the stars that we might understand a purpose, so sweety kill the guards and explore your world, learn your worth to build a better grave... one nerve.

hahaha baby i'm missin' you... i'm not really... but i'm feelin' right now, and wish you could share the dillusion of contentment, livin' in a memory or is it a reflection? either way, its an event i'm learnin' to keep... you've been actin' so crazy lately, i ask myself: is this the woman I married? maybe so, but... huh. life's a tricky little bitch, ain't she? but i'm learnin'... seen this world for what she wishes to be, had a few conversations, dreamed a little, killed the hope to see it rise again, read a book or two... memorized a poem... oh yea...nevermind... talked with the gods about destiny, connected history to sutcher the present, found out now's a good time to stop because life could be more productive

cold and broken hallelujahs...

like a fair trade to me"

but it is... for that is love... though so often misunderstood

I once heard it said that for many years we looked for in others what we had with each other, as fleeting as it was. And once again I believe we are looking again; for what should've/could've/would've been... if only we'd be willing to kill the pride and listen.

May she grant me faith, and strength, that my words would be honest and true... and that they never bring harm to others and only pursue a love i don't know if i ever knew...

overwhelmed like tidal wave
spreading the surface tension
towards and away
slowly sucking me down
beneath you

each breaking wave
brings the pain of rememberance

transforming, transporting, conforming
me into another
shedding my shell
i'm slowly
evolving....

each breaking wave
pushes me further
under
bringing me closer
to you...."

do you think it is possible that you have made me into your father at all?

she's asks herself if is this love or just a history coming back to haunt: so run, quick cover the memories up...i propose this life's a mystery always... but swan dive epiphanies take patience, so we replace the vacant moments with whatever takes the pain of waiting away...? savior make me whole that i might have the strength to build in my heart a home where we could find solace from the doubt that plagues the open air and poisons the soul.

must learn
to negate procrastination
change the world
change you ways

i've see this path before
and i still hate it
attempted to assauge the pain
with sedatives pacin' back and forth
between these painted walls
the window or the door
searching for an escape hatch
tryin to find a world
where i fit in, cause this ain't it
they got me chasin' papers
as a definition of masculinity
'stead lettin' my love declare individual freedom
so much pressure; seemin' impossible to rise above
the bills keep me drillin' the day away
carryin' another "man's" bag
hear him talkin' about his kid's in college
one's an intern for boeing,
the other works for a PR firm
pumpin' this country with propaganda
like if you work, you'll succeed
be happy with a house, car, job and
money to spend on whatever drug you choose
to forget it'll all come to an end...
i'll see y'all six feet under sod.

this bi-polarity's a bitch
so i'll choose euphoria, pray to her that i maintain the switch
mismatched since birth
took twenty-two years to fashion an appropriate passion and hitch
love,desire, and decision together then crash 'em
bent down like a broke-back crown to gather the remnants
and found the reflection yielded a mountain
from which the fountain gave birth to the conscience
raised among the clouds
dillusional to think we're still among them
we've fallen/ignorant of our need for distractions
run round tryin' to control distaster
instead of owning our actions
consequence's ain't an option/but is our decision
tomorrow's the mission
the moment's the wisdom
yet we're still hidin' like children
trying to defend an underserved existence
instead of enjoying it....

see cause my success is only dependent upon the level of stress i can digest, process and spit back at 'em/
just simple flesh in motion/
fuck guessin'/
time to ride the ocean waves through calm seas and hurricanes/
y'all can keep the questions/
held back by fear of whats in your possession/
when the answers in your hands/
heart's just too timid to fashion perseverence/
satisfaction through moment to moment distraction/
from the facts, it's all interaction/
just depends on the direction you're headin'/
who or what are you buildin' for/
and are you stayin' true your just tryin' to find proof/
that you do deserve more....complascency's self-hatred/
so i persist with a vengence born of scorned nature/
overcomin' thise selfish desire/
to scream I'M RIGHT/
and let y'all learn the lessons livin' in the pyre/
i been through/
cried tears of denial/
awoke to find my daughter still smilin'/
all the proof i need to keep the truth inside shinin'...


my love is pure, and always had been. and it's no longer that she deserves a family. WE deserve a family. keep runnin': i really don't care anymore. either you'll come back or i'll find something better. i've got myself and her. all i need to keep workin' for a better world.



haha
now we's groovin'. got the music in spot. breathe foward. y'all can keep the shoes, and i'll keep mother's hugs for myself as proof and shit don't matter. just persevere and maintain the mood. cause it's all love if you're open to it....